Random scribbles of a random fool….

journal, write, blank

What?
Where?
Why?
How?
When?

These five words, practically make up our entire life! That’s how we can interpret things.
The way we can destroy our minds and then go into an existential crisis.

Well, that’s our brain the way your brain is trained is different from mine.

But, the inner workings are the same. The neurons are the same cells that constantly bang our heads with some shock therapy on a minuscule level.

Now, back to the main point.

How it is that those 5 words become the starting point on our quest for exploration. That confuses me the most. Even if I decide to not learn anything, yet I’m still learning. Sometimes I get more questions than answers, why does my brain has to bring everything to the table instead of keeping only the facts that I need to know. Sometimes it is more challenging to find the answer.

I know the brain is a supercomputer, but it is not streamlined (until unless we want to make it). The more information we feed it, the more results can be deduced. We have the power to create vast empires, visualise doomsday, yet we get stuck on whether we ate our breakfast, or did we finish our chores. It is so confusing to even think at times. That our brain practically tells us to shut down. But as stubborn as we are, we decide to put it into overdrive.

The result.

We go mad. As simple as that. Then it’s not us controlling our brain. It’s our brain controlling us. The more we try to resist the urge. The more it gets to us. The brain is a ticking time bomb. Ready to implode.

On that note, this is what I conclude from the bad explanation above. The world is a strange place. And we are stranger organisms.

Deal with the Devil in the soul search

Deal With the devil

It all began on one dusky morning. It was all normal. People sipping tea or coffee, some doing meditation and prayers. Then there was I, making offers to the devil. I was a kind of a consultant. People used to come to me for all sorts of problems, and I would provide them with alternatives to resolve them. Whether the individuals implemented the solutions or not is beyond this story.

So, let me start again.
It was a dusky morning, birds were yelling at their best (which we somehow find beautiful). There was I, staring blankly outside my window, noticing what everyone was doing. In my mind, I was making a list of things to do. They were in the following order: Eat, work, eat again, think about something non-existent, sleep. Every day, this routine was followed like clockwork and never in the past few years did the routine altered. Everything was timed to the minute.

When I think, I look at myself in the mirror, at first, everything looks nice. I find myself 10 times more attractive and then two little fledgelings sit on my shoulders. One is an angel-like figure and the other is exactly the opposite, a devilish red tiny devil with horns. A question pops up in my mind, and the tiny duo starts arguing. Where the angel sought the peaceful and harmless solution. The devil wants me to go berserk, do things which one sane enough should not do. 

Then slowly, as the duo keeps on fighting, I look at the mirror again. A grim picture starts to take form, it shows that instead of a happy cheerful person. There is a rather worn down and sad-looking person standing. Slowly the face becomes more and more dreary. The mind starts to ignore everything and wanders off into uncharted territory. Putting more strain on the body, draining out the soul. And then, just as the body starts to adapt, the brain goes into overdrive. I forget the normal me and the original question that I had. The duo keeps on fighting on my shoulders, everything starts to blur. Adrenaline starts to rush, the brain, trying to pacify the duo instead put me in panic mode.

Tension starts to rise, things stop looking the same. They look like they just want to put an end to my miserable life, non violently. Then the devil takes over and starts commanding my body to do things, that might lead to disaster. But in the name of greed, it will satisfy my desire to calm down. Hence, a deal is made with the devil. (That’s why the title)

Slowly and steadily, things start to break down, but I get calm and peaceful, not realising the consequences of my actions. The brain starts to instruct me to go to sleep, I lie down and close my eyes, but I cannot sleep as the brain has decided not to go on hibernation.

Making a deal with the devil, on the face, looks enticing, and most probably you won’t believe that there is some hidden intent. But just like those generic advertisements on the telly, terms and conditions do apply here.

The conditions are such that you will never know. In my case, my sweet dreams became sour nightmares, I couldn’t sleep properly, started seeing horrible visions. Because of that, my mind couldn’t rest, always thinking about one thing or the other, always into overdrive mode. At first, it felt strange, but then it all started feeling normal until my body decided to give up under the rule of the devil.

So now that I was under his rule, the brain and I had to work our way out, we had to start an uprising against the lovely demon, and for that, I had to find the long lost little angel me, that had always cautioned me against the ways of the devil and to find it, I had to travel a long distance

Some time has passed since then, I managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel, I found the little angel me, had a great discussion with it, drafted up a plan to reclaim my throne from the madness.

The journey back was harder, as the devil kept on placing obstacles on my path to battle, and I along with my brain had to take some major decisions on whether to give the little demon another chance or let it go. I had to battle my defences to reach him, but the battle was worth it as now I was standing right in front of him.

We stood there looking at each other eye to eye, in the background music playing like a huge standoff is about to end. The battle started, it was a tough battle. In reality tho, my body was getting drained out of energy as the mental battle continued, it all went fuzzy for a moment but then everything just went quiet. It was calm all around, it felt like I’m standing on an empty field. Just me and my bed by my side. Automatically I laid down on my bed and my eyes slowly closed, and instead of getting the sour nightmares, I got sweet dreams, and I was finally able to sleep.

I found peace inside. Well, that was the first time I had a battle on that scale. But since then there have been more. And each time it gets more difficult to overcome but it does happen.

Peace comes, the war goes. War comes, peace goes.